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Kim Kardashian in a bath robe! “It doesn’t have to make sense, it’s fashion!“
Out with the old, in with the new. Now that adorable, weepy Brad is off the show, we needed a new slightly bitchy, incredibly fabulous gay man to be the perfect accessory to Rachel’s fabulous life. We learned last night that man would be Joey. Joey proved more than capable of bringing charismatic bitchiness, flawless zingers and stellar outfits to the mix, stealing the show even from reality TV veteran and celeb guest Kim Kardashian and totally eclipsing poor Jeremiah as man-candy assistant-in-chief. See how it all went down in our real-time recap of The Rachel Zoe Project.
10:00: Joey’s in LA, and all is right in the universe. Rachel is wearing an olive green Balmain jacket and it is amazing. Clearly a lot of time has passed between last week and this week, since we notice for the first time that Rachel actually looks pregnant. Joey then asks Rachel that one important question every pregnant woman needs to answer: “Are you actually going to let it come out your vag?” Rachel responds, “Umm… that’s the plan.”
10:04pm: Rachel’s sister is coming to town, and she hopes she will give her the “ins and outs” of having a child. Cue inappropriate joke now.
10:06pm: Welcome to Design Star: The Rachel Zoe Challenge. Rodger is having Jeremiah use his interior design skills on the apartment “at no extra charge,” and un-surprisingly is ridiculously demanding. They need a 7,000 square foot mansion furnished in two weeks. “Can’t you just go to like, some furniture stores or something?”
10:07pm: Jeremiah meets with Rachel at Chez Zoe, who tells him that his ability to design her a nice house in two weeks is a test as to whether or not she wants him around.“I want French Modern, and I don’t even know if that’s a word,” says Rachel. Poor Jeremiah has his work cut out for him.
10:16pm: Rachel has to style Kim Kardashian for a photo shoot in less than 24 hours! Can’t they just find a couple bandage dresses and call it a day?
10:17pm: Rachel gathers the troops. “When Rachel calls and says come over, I don’t ask questions. I just know it’s something super exciting and juicy.” Joey forces a tank top-clad Jeremiah into clothes (why, we’re not sure) and metaphorically drags him out the door.
10:19pm: The look of the shoot: sexy, glamorous curves for an evening look, and “flashdance” for a sexy-casual. The catch – Rachel can only take one of her assistants to the shoot! It should clearly be Joey since Jeremiah doesn’t know a steamer from an curling iron.
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Joey’s eyebrows look incredibly excited
10:22pm: It’s a Jeremiah-Joey showdown as the team jets off to different showrooms to snag sexy red gowns and Brian Atwood pumps. The two have a stare-down over some leopard print shoes and some bedazzled belts. “Options options options!” says Joey. Jeremiah wants their selection to make sense. “Why does it have to make sense? It’s fashion!”
10:28pm: Rachel breaks the news to Rodger that she’s working with Kim, fearing that Rodger will be angry. Rodger breaks the news to Rachel that he will be going to Vegas while she is 8 months pregnant. Not the best idea, Rodg. “The answer is no,” says Rachel. She eventually gives in, but is not happy about it.
10:31pm: No surprise – Rachel takes Joey to the shoot. “I’m proud of you Rachel, you made the best decision possible,” says Joey ever-so-humbly. Hopefully this means Jeremiah will have time to furnish the mansion.
10:33pm: Rachel is wearing a giant fur coat and a white blazer. “I look like a pimp,” says Rachel. “Does that make me your hoe?” asks Joey. Yes, probably, says us. Jeremiah touches the panties Kim may wear and says they are like shower loofahs. This is going to be a long shoot.
10:34pm: Kim arrives and her and Rachel fake bond over pregnancy. We ponder whether Kim’s future children will have names that start with “K.” Joey gets the honor of re-adjusting Kim’s boyshort undies, and can’t contain his joy.
10:38pm: Cue Jeremiah at the furniture store. “She’s like a gay man,” he tells the sales person of Rachel’s aesthetic. He decides to stay away from leather or velvet because it will look like ‘80s porn. If it was ‘70s porn, we think he’d be on the right track.
10:44pm: Rachel and her friend who’s name we think sounds like a breakfast dish (Quiche?) complain about their husbands upcoming trip to Vegas (Breakfast lady’s husband is Rodger’s bestie). “Don’t be uptight bitches,” cautions Joey. We’re sticking with the sisterhood on this one – she could go into premature labor. Just saying. It happens.
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This was literally the third best image Bravo provided. Why not just take a picture of the bottom of someone’s shoes?
10:47pm: Kim squeezes into a super-tight, super-sexy Dolce & Gabanna gown (with the help of Spanx), and natch, looks very sexy. The shoot looks fabulous, obviously, and darling Joey had “so much fun!” He describes Kim as a “voluptuous, sexy Barbie.”
10:51pm: Rachel enters the room in a fur-tastic vest, and for some reason Rodger is surprised and disdainful. We had no idea an occasion existed where fur would be inappropriate for Rachel Zoe.
10:52pm: Her sister is taking Rodger and Rachel to a “Doula,” which we learn is an expert in educating couples on child birth. Rodger is not happy with the situation, as per usual. Rachel and Rodger proceed to have awkward, grating arguments in the presence of the poor Doula, who just wants to help. Rachel’s long-suffering sister sits in between them and somehow refrains from strangling them.
10:57pm: The bickering continues into the car ride. We consider changing the channel, but then the show ends. Stop showing arguing and show some clothes, Bravo!
Next week: It’s Oscar week, Rachel’s moving, Rodger goes to Vegas and witnesses lap dances AND, the show is will be at its new time at 9pm! We feel stressed just thinking about it!
Images: Bravo
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