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We’re so happy because we live a perfect, fabulous dream life!
Two words can describe last night’s episode of The Rachel Zoe Project, and they are CLOSET ENVY. Rachel’s crack team of minions dutifully moves her massive archival vintage collection, and we get to see just how massive it is. Our apartment would not be of sufficient size to house the Chanel alone! We. Die. A few other things happened in the episode, like Rodger letting his inner bro run free in Vegas, Jeremiah being used as an interior design slave and Joey being incredibly useless for everything except sassy comments. But of course, all the bitchy one-liners in the world would pale in comparison to the closet of Rachel Zoe. When we grow up, we want to be her, or a master thief who specializes in stealing closets. Click ahead to learn more about the wardrobe of our dreams in all its glory and more in our real-time recap of The Rachel Zoe Project!
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Shouldn’t I be paying someone to do this for me?
10:00pm: “You don’t need a reason to go to Vegas,” says Rodger as he packs up his man bag and heads west. You do if you’re over 40, says us (and most likely Rachel, who is not at all pleased).
10:02pm: Rachel has Joey over to watch movies and make popcorn. Things we learn from this occurrence: Rodger hates lap dances and hookers (what a stick in the mud). There is a right time and a wrong time to stop the popcorn. And pregnant women should not stand near microwaves.
10:05pm: Rodger is a man child, and so are his friends. Living out the dreams of Entourage fans everywhere, Rodger and his friends travel to Vegas via private jet. Rodger toasts to his “beautiful pregnant wife” – we’re sure the fact that they are being videotaped has nothing to do with it!
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It’s like the Hangover, only not funny!
10:08pm: Bravo cuts Rodger’s trip into an uber-cheesy “The Hangover” homage that is literally painful to watch – if no one gets rufied or steals a cop car, we don’t want to hear about it!
10:13pm: Rachel goes shopping! Since Rodger is clearly spending lots of money in Vegas, Rachel drops some major coin on vintage Chanel, Oscar & lots & lots of fur. “Do you think in my past life I was Liza Minelli?” Well, you definitely weren’t a fox, mink or rabbit…
10:17pm: Rodger orders the concierge to find him an Hermes locket for Rachel, and charges it to the room. We want to charge Hermes to our hotel room!
10:20pm: Rachel begins to pick Anne Hathaway’s Oscar looks, and there are rumors of Tom Ford – this would be more exciting if we didn’t already know what will be picked, and what her beautiful Tom Ford gown looks like.
10:21pm: Jeremiah still exists! We forgot about him… he’s still attempting to furnish Rachel’s house. Great lamps, fantastic arm chairs, white things and shiny things – these are just some of the things he’s searching for in the manically cut furniture montage. We get a headache just watching – poor Jeremiah, he’s one of the few characters we aren’t jealous of tonight.
10:24pm: Rodger arrives home drunk and disorderly, completely with smoochy kisses that threaten to smudge his wife’s lipstick. He bestows Rachel with the Hermes gift, then needlessly embellishes the story by saying he had to take a cab to get the present. Oh, Rodger…
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Not in front of the kids!
10:28pm: Someone named Marisa appears – she’s apparently the “director of operations.” What happened to Mandana? Wasn’t that what she did? We need to see a Zoe Hierarchy Chart or something (we know Chanel boots would rank high… )
10:31pm: Rachel is endorsing a lipstick brand, Exude, at a shoot – and needs about 100 takes to spit out a sentence. Rodger is worried she’s working too hard. Awww…
10:33pm: Team Zoe has 24 hours to move Rachel in to her new house – will they do it in time, or will Rachel have to (gasp!) spend an extra night in a hotel? We all know that’s not a possibility, so the feigned tension is pretty much lost. Meanwhile, Rachel is sitting on the bed with Rodger planning the weekly matching outfits he’ll be forced to wear with his future infant son. To be fair, we’d probably want to wear the same outfit as Rachel Zoe’s spawn, because it’s clearly going to be fabulous.
10:34pm: Rachel calls Michael Kors, and the sound of his lustrous voice is almost enough for us to forget the horrible “Hangover” scene from the beginning of the episode. Almost.
10:35pm: Rachel says she’s like Benjamin Button in that she ages backwards and Rodger ages forwards. Rodger says that most people say it’s the opposite. OUCH.
10:38pm: Back to Design Star: Rachel Zoe addition! Poor Jeremiah is standing in an empty house looking like a sad puppy, or a homeless person squatting in an abandoned mansion.
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Life’s. So. Hard.
10:41pm: We get some serious closet envy watching the team load Rachel’s vintage archives. Chanel! Versace! Balmain! Waa… We also see several other assistant characters we’re pretty sure have never existed until now. And why isn’t Joey helping with any of this?
10:47pm: Back to the empty house – the only pieces of furniture are two lamps and one sad little daybed. “Having Rachel as a client is making me want to claw my eyes out,” says Jeremiah as Joey slurps coffee and points out flaws obnoxiously. If we were Jeremiah, we’d be using the vintage Versace rug to roll Joey into after we’ve strangled him.
10:50pm: “Have you ever heard the expression, ‘you’ve got to give them enough rope to hang themselves,” asks Rodger to Rachel, implying that with their future child, and with their company, she should stop meddling. “That’s a terrible expression!” says Rachel. We learn quite a bit about her management style.
10:52pm: Team Zoe finally directs the furniture and clothing into the massive house. Joey and all the random girls immediately leave, leaving Jeremiah to do all the work. Poor Jeremiah.
10:53pm: Marisa orders a frazzled assistant to merchandise Rachel’s closet. Because of course. You never know who’s going to be walking through your closet. We are seriously jealous right now… how come no one ever merchandises our closet?
10:54pm: Jeremiah lays down the law on the moving company (who’s late!). The movers eventually show up and move stuff – we see this in a rushed montage of clips featuring Marisa barking orders and Jeremiah nearly crying.
10:57pm: Surprise – Rodger and Rachel love the apartment! “This is the nicest thing I’ve ever see him my life,” says Rodger. “I feel I’m on some cheesy makeover home shows,” says Rachel, and we agree.
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You did such a good job! Now go find another one because you’re fired.
10:59pm: Rachel graciously thanks everyone for moving her in, including Joey who did nothing except annoy everyone. She also comments that Jeremiah’s calling is clearly interior design, implying that he will no longer be employed with her since she does not have an interiors business. Is she going to start? Hmmm…
Next week: It’s Oscar week! Rachel is busy. Rodger is skyping with Rachel’s sister to vent his concerns. But we can’t wait to see all the pretty clothes!
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